


Tally marks

by UntoldMuse



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Gen, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-16
Updated: 2021-02-16
Packaged: 2021-03-18 00:15:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,508
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29480550
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UntoldMuse/pseuds/UntoldMuse
Summary: Papyrus saves Sans from doing something incredibly stupid one night.It devolves from there.
Relationships: Papyrus & Sans (Undertale), platonic skelebros - Relationship
Comments: 1
Kudos: 20





	Tally marks

**Author's Note:**

> Hello guys I just would like to preface this by saying I wrote this edgy little ditty back in like 2017 and then I polished it up for your reading enjoyment(?) I know it's a little bit cringe but as Bratty and Catty said "it's like, really good garbage."
> 
> Also please don't be mad at me about Sans's depression stuff. I've been clinically diagnosed with it myself. I'm not a mental health expert and just drawing on my own life experiences.

Dragging slipper-covered feet across the threshold of their house, Sans moped into the living room. Papyrus was right on his ass, charging through the door as Sans flopped onto the couch. _“here we go again.”_ He thought to himself.

In seconds, Papyrus shouted "Sans! Get up off that couch!" Sans did not in fact get up. He didn’t move even an inch. He was too tired. _“down to the bone.”_ He wanted to joke. However, Sans figured now wasn’t exactly the best time to enrage his brother with a pun.

Furiously, Papyrus reached down and grabbed Sans by the front of his shirt. The angry skeleton’s eyes betrayed a deep, heated anger that Sans never saw on his brother’s face. Sans didn't resist as Papyrus physically hauled him off the couch and dumped him onto the floor.

He landed unceremoniously on his tailbone, the carpet did nothing to soften the fall. "OW! damn it, that hurt!" Sans exclaimed. He glared up at Papyrus, but the taller skeleton didn't seem the least bit apologetic. Sans knew why too.

Any composure Papyrus had was gone. He started screaming and flailing his hands. "Sans, how dare you do this to me! How dare you?!" In this state, he could hardly speak. He rambled on and on, yelling ever louder. "I was worried about you! You could have died! You would have died if-" Suddenly he cut himself off.

Sans choked on the huge lump in his throat. Papyrus rubbed his hands over his eye sockets, desperately trying to hold back something _._

At last, Papyrus began to cry…no, _sob_. His entire body shook and trembled with each tear. His breath quickened uncontrollably, making him hyperventilate. Sans mustered the effort and quickly stood up, throwing his arms around Papyrus's body. "shhh....it's alright papyrus, it's alright." He soothed.

Slowly, Papyrus calmed down. His breathing slowed; the trembling stopped. Eventually, he stopped crying too. Papyrus wiped his eye sockets with one gloved hand and stared down at Sans, who was still embracing him. His fearful crying fit stopped, but the anger began anew. Papyrus shoved Sans away from him, pushing the smaller skeleton back a few inches.

"I'm still very, _very_ angry at you!" He declared. Sans sighed and shoved his hands in his coat pockets.

 _“yeah, i can see that, but you don’t have to be an ass about it.”_ Still, in the back of his mind he knew he deserved it.

"You know you can tell me anything brother, anything at all! You don't have to bottle your feelings up inside, and you especially don't have to do... _that."_

Sans hung his head. What could he say? It wasn’t like anything he said would make the least bit of difference. Sans almost felt like crying. His head hurt, his eyes hurt, his SOUL hurt too. But deep inside there was no sadness, and no motivation for the tears to flow. Just emptiness. Like usual.

Papyrus took a few measured breaths then knelt down, eye-socket-level with Sans. He grabbed Sans’s shoulders, gently this time. "Brother please,” He all but begged. “Tell me what's gotten into you? What's wrong?"

The temptation to tell Papyrus was strong. Some small part of Sans cried out, pleading to tell Papyrus...But...he couldn't. After all, what would The Great Papyrus think if he knew his dear brother was constantly on the verge of suicide?

Sans didn’t consider himself some depressed, emo kid who decided to off himself out of pure sadness. It came from a place much darker. Grief, numbness... _despair._ Call it a _very_ morbid curiosity. He wondered what would happen if he died before the Human killed them all? Would everything still reset? Would he finally get a permanent end to the insane cycle? Those questions needed answers, and Sans needed peace. And his plan had gone smoothly, until Papyrus showed up.

Papyrus couldn’t see the inner conflict in his brother’s brain. He still held on, "Sans, what is going on? If you don't tell me, I'll! I’ll…I will beat you senseless if you don't confess!" Sans almost laughed at his brother's empty threat.

Taking a deep breath, Sans prepared to make up a convincing story to assuage Papyrus's fears. "pap, look-" He paused, sighing a little. "i can't tell you what's wrong with me- 'cause, i don't even know that myself."

Papyrus frowned, unsatisfied by Sans's answer. But he knew Sans wouldn't tell him anything if he didn't speak first. "Sans," he said, his voice quivering. "I'm not stupid, I know you were trying to-to… _you know_." He couldn't bring himself to say the actual words. So many feelings rattled around his skull, and even he, the great papyrus struggled to find a way to voice his feelings.

"I also know this can't be the first time you've ever attempted it either...I've got reports from inside sources."

Sans cocked his head. "'sources?' like who?"

"Like that old lady behind the door, and Grillby." Papyrus replied. Sans didn't say a word. Those two monsters knew him well enough that anything they'd told Papyrus was likely true. He cursed himself for not being more careful.

"So, are you going to tell me why you did it or not?"

Silence.

An intense stand-off commenced between the two brothers. Sans was stubborn, but tired. _Very tired_. And Papyrus...he had the most iron will of any creature in the Underground. It wasn't long before Sans finally gave in.

“geez paps, i didn't mean to scare you like this...i really didn’t. i was just curious y’know?” He tried to shrug it off, but his brother wouldn’t have it.

Papyrus simply scoffed at him, before his eyes widened. He suddenly grew sad...Staring hard at Sans with mixture of concern and pity.

“Brother, what on earth could make you 'curious' about dying? Why would you want to die?" He asked.

Sans turned his head, unable to look at Papyrus any longer. “bro,” He said at length "it may come as a surprise to you but...i’m depressed." At that, the tall skeleton laughed. That really stung sans. Papyrus laughing at him about something so serious? Insulting.

But before Sans could stew on his anger, Papyrus stopped. "I've known that too… For a long time. I even did research on it, Undyne helped me...Apathy, loss of appetite, seclusion, lack of energy...all your symptoms. It just matched up too well for me to deny the possibility."

Sans looked bewildered, eye-sockets turning black. "so, you already know?!" He was admittedly proud of Papyrus for being so clever. But the guilt smacked him harder than a full force bone attack. Sans was disappointed with himself. All these years, he thought he had been hiding it well. Maybe not the best, but enough to fly under the radar.

Sans looked at Papyrus, the light in his eyes still gone. "bro, I don't know what to say…” The tired skeleton simply decided not to speak anymore. He collapsed, head resting against Papyrus's clavicle. Only the taller skeleton's arms kept him standing upright.

"Sans..." Papyrus whispered, as he held his big brother. "Please don't do this to me ever again." He said.

Several minutes passed, neither brother could pull themselves away from the other. Papyrus's anger subsided into a genuine relief that Sans was still alive. The other skeleton...he didn't know what he felt. Or how he should feel either. He bounced back and forth between sorrow, guilt, and anger. Completely physically and emotionally spent, Sans unwittingly fell asleep against Papyrus's shoulder.

It was Sans's snoring that gave him away. Papyrus sighed, picked him up and gently carried him to bed. It was dark in Sans's room, as always. Trash and socks littered the floor, and that weird tornado-thing that never went away whirled around the room.

Papyrus laid his brother down softly and covered him up with a threadbare, blue blanket. With Sans properly tucked in, Papyrus sat down next to him on the disgusting floor amidst the socks.

In the overwhelming quiet, he pulled a small little notebook and a pencil out of his Battle Body. It was a convenient place to store all kinds of things, like raw spaghetti…But for now, he flipped open the little spiral-bound notebook and thumbed through the pages. He finally came to one yellow page, marked at the top in faded ink “NUMBER OF ATTEMPTS."

With tears streaming down his face, Papyrus scanned all the tally marks on the page...There were quite a few. A few too many. He cried a little more, as he added yet another mark to paper, finishing out a group of tally marks.

However, on the backside of that page, hid Papyrus's deepest secret. A tally of all the times Sans had been _successful._

Sans would never know it...Papyrus would never allow him to know it...but he wasn't the only one who could remember timelines.

And that is why every mark on the old, worn paper only made Papyrus's SOUL ache even more....


End file.
